Pumped

This meme made me laugh. Then it made me go back and test the evidence – about me – which was pretty difficult. Turns out that from my fittest two years ago, I’d basically stopped taking pics of myself by the time I was in full ‘relationship-mode’. But actually it was pretty shocking, I feel like a whole different person.

I wish I could be in a relationship and still preserve myself, but I don’t think I can. I may look moody in the earlier pic but I was so freaking pumped to finally not hate my body. And I take full responsibility for what happened, but as soon as someone else validated that, I let it go.

And now, only two years later *everything* is harder – because everything is so much softer and looser and more difficult to get rid of. Everything is older. The effort to do what I easily did two years ago, is really getting me down.

Was it a solely ecological act to stop dying my hair? Absolutely. Was it a purely feminist act to stop wearing makeup? Definitely. But now, the thought of trying to make an effort with my appearance, to polish the turd, as it were, is utterly risible. I never want to wear makeup again, not because of feminism, but because I never want to be seen again.

My big gesture this year was my resolution to stop talking about food, fat and weight loss for a whole year – I lasted about 8 months. I’d become so bored of talking about it and I thought that, by stopping, I was doing you a favour. I hoped if I didn’t talk about it I wouldn’t obsess about it. Well, that didn’t work.

I’m not fishing, I’m just writing what I feel. For the record, I don’t really care what anyone thinks about my ‘after’ pic. You can be as nice or as nasty as you like, I fucking hate it. Even though my best was still lots of people’s worst nightmare (size 14, big bones), I hate that after I’d worked so hard to get there, I let it go. I let myself go.

I know we’re supposed to be body positive, and I’m very thankful for my mostly-working body. But I’m a long way from being positive about it. And if me talking about food and fat and weight loss is a problem, don’t worry, I won’t make a habit, of that at least.